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Changed. Temporarily?

I have recently come to a few realizations.  Over the past months of becoming a mother to twins and a toddler, I have become exhausted in every way possible.  I am happy, I am thankful, don't get me wrong there, I am just depleted.  My hormones are out of whack still, my sleep is ever evading me, my physical well being is in the toilet, my spiritual life is on a roller coaster ride, my relationships with friends and family is mediocre to say the least, and the ever present mom guilt is undeniable.

I love being a mom, I love being a stay at home, I love having three healthy little boys to raise, I am blessed to have the life I do.  I am human though, and my tired is super tired 😆.  There is no balance.  My tolerance is low, my patience are thin, but my heart is full.  It's strange, really.  How can I feel so happy and fulfilled and yet beat up and overwhelmed?  It's temporary, it must be.  I am sure my energy and the spring in my step will come back, but right now I am realizing the only ones who can handle my "not so me" self are the ones who live with me😶😄.  To everyone else out there, sorry...if you can hang around, I might come back to myself in a few years, and hopefully I will be a better version.  

The lack of sleep is something I have never dealt with before, and these past 10-11 months (bc the end of a twin pregnancy is hard on sleep) have been rough!  I don't advise anyone living away from close family, in a boarding school lifestyle to try to get through the first year with newborn twins.  It can be done, but likely not gracefully.  I am putting my best (sleepy) foot forward each day.  I am doing what I can to keep up with it all.  Some days are better than others.  I am fortunate to have a husband who supports me and helps when he can.  

I am different, more somber...maybe?  It's not sadness, or resentment, or depression anymore, thank God.  It's really just exhaustion.  Am I sorry for it?  No, because the reason for it is none other than my biggest blessings, my children and life.  It's only temporary, this too shall pass, just bear with me.  
I am probably sounding redundant now, it's the twin brain.  

Oh, and my 29th birthday was yesterday:).  Thank you Jesus for another year of life!!!


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